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    « Bird Massacre | Main | Stone Cold Sober »
    Saturday
    Aug182007

    Finally, Something Useful...

    stoli.pngOne of my friends sent me this list on alternate uses of vodka that I thought I would pass along to you. (My comments in italics.)

    1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive. (To do anything painlessly, saturate your brain with vodka.)

    2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. (Later, if you run out of olives, the caulking will suffice.)

    3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. (Are vodka goggles anything like beer goggles? Methinks so.)

    4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. (Caution: avoid licking razors for a quick high.)

    5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry. (Are vodka vomit stains self-cleaning? Hmmm...)

    6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. (For more fun, swallow the cotton ball when you're finished!)

    7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. (See if you can get the DUI cops to believe that one!)

    8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them. (By making them fly into doors and windows, presumably.)

    9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. (All of which are brought on by the vodka in the first place!)

    10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. (Much simpler to just drink it right out of the mayo jar.)

    11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. (Spiked Vicks Vapo-rub!)

    12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. (For a real chuckle, let Fido lick your feet dry!)

    13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. (By the way, jellyfish are natural adornments for orange and grapefruit based vodka cocktails.)

    14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your skin. (Another good line to tell the cops: "You don unnerstan, oshifer, I have poishin ivory!")

    15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. (Drink shot. Reapply as necessary.)

    16.BUT NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!! (Now that's just bad advice...)

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