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    Tuesday
    Sep262006

    Cardinal Sins

    cardinals2.GIFIt must suck to be an Arizona Cardinals fan. First, you inherit a used team from the city of St. Louis with the nickname of a bird that would probably last about thirty seconds in the Arizona heat.  Year after year you suffer in that swealtering heat, through losing season after losing season, while every attempt by management to turn the team's fortune around is about as effective as bailing the Titanic out with a Dixie Cup.

    The lowlight of your franchise comed when one of your best players, Pat Tillman, gives up a football career to go into the Marines, flies over to the war in Afghanistan, and is gunned down by his own troops.

    Finally it looks like you've got it all together. A brand new stadium, with a roof and air conditioning. A former Super Bowl quarterback in Kurt Warner. A Heisman Trophy winner waiting in the wings in Matt Leinart. Two outstanding Wide Receivers, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. And to top it all off, free-agent power back Edgerrin James, the former Indianapolis Colt with a nose for the end zone. You might've felt like Flounder in Animal House when he thought he was going to get laid: "Oh Boy! Oh Boy!"

    So what happens? You lose back to back games and fall into last place in your division after Warner fumbles away a sure victory over the hated Rams, that team your former city thought better of when they banished you to the desert. The officials screw you out of one last attempt to win the game by reversing a declined penalty on the final play, a call that would have given Neil Rackers a chance at a rare and record-long free-kick, instead letting the air out of your balloon by letting Marc Bulger fall on the ball. 

    I would be furious. But then again, I'm not a Cardinals fan. Woe be to you.

    Monday
    Sep252006

    Whaddya want for a Monday?

    Car's fixed, camera's broken. Didn't win the Powerball. Other than that, everythings fine, will blog soon.

    Wednesday
    Sep202006

    Thanks for the tip!

    Okay, back to reality. Our car broke down today, it's a 97 Ford Taurus with 109,000 miles and probably a few too few oil changes on it. (Let's face it, the oil companies want us to change our oil at every 3,000 miles so they can sell more oil, right?) Anyway, I called AAA and they came out to tow it about 45 minutes later. They called the cell phone 10 minutes earlier to say that the driver was only 10 minutes away, and since it was a recorded message I couldn't rebuke that the car was only 5 minutes from the station to begin with. The car was at one of my wife's customers house (she has multiple customers, I don't have multiple wives.  This is Connecticut, not Utah), and the tow truck driver seems like he's in a rush. He tries to start the car, says the starter is dead, then proceeds to beat on the starter with a long crowbar-type device, but it doesn't work. So he wants to drive over the lawn to pick up the front of the car, but the owner of the house is there and he kinda looks like His Name is Earl, so I offer to push the car into the street. Driver says no problem, has me put the emergency brake on and shift into neutral, then he locks the steering wheel in place with the seat belt, picks up the car from the rear end, and tows it out into the street lickity-split. (Does anyone say "lickity-split" anymore? I think that expression died with Popeye.) He switches the tow to the front of the car (without even getting out of the cab) and a few seconds later, he's tearing ass up the street with our car, and we can't even catch up to him. So I'm thinking, this guy knows what he's doing, maybe I should tip him or something. Then I'm struck by the whole "tip-angst" thing: How much should I tip him? How do I tip him without looking like a geek? Is it appropriate to tip him? What if I don't tip him? How much does he make an hour, anyway? Do-do-do. Da-da-da. So we finally catch up to him while he's approaching a light to turn onto the main drag, but he makes it through the yellow and we get stuck at the light. By the time the light turns green again, and we drive the quarter mile to the service station up the street, the car is sitting in the parking lot and the driver is nowhere to be seen! Guess that answers what he thought about my tip! But I guess the question remains--in our service-laden society, who gets tipped and who doesn't? I'm sure I saw something years ago from Ann Landers on the subject, but she's someone who would say something like "lickity-split" and she's dead anyway, so I just don't know anymore. I mean, I'm a 20%-er at the restaurant, and I tip the baggage guy at the airport at least a buck a bag, and I always leave my massage therapist a little something after we're done (get your mind out of the gutter!) but what about tow truck drivers? Carpet installers? Dental Hygienists? Mailmen?  Someone help me out here!

    Tuesday
    Sep192006

    Popeye Fatally Poisoned by Tainted Spinach

    popeye_half.gifCartoons around the world mourned the death of Popeye the Sailor, 86, who died from e Coli poisoning yesterday after consuming a bag of tainted spinach. Feeling run down during a game of shuffleboard with long time pal Wimpy, Popeye turned to a rogue bag of spinach after misplacing his trademark corncob pipe/spinach can opener. Later last night the famous sailor became so ill that even a large helping of Olive Oyl couldn't help. "Popeye made me who I am today," said nephew George "Sweet Pea" Steinbrenner, now a famous shipping magnate and owner of the New York Yankees. "I may be a ruthless billionaire and the most hated owner in all of Major League Baseball, but I yam what I yam."  With Popeye's sudden passing, cartoon officials declared in a press conference today that the honor of Least Funny Cartoon will now be bestowed upon Viking warrior Hagar the Horrible.

    Tuesday
    Sep192006

    Clock Strikes Zero on Big Ben

    Roethlisberger.jpgWhat happened to the Steelers on Monday night?  After posting a 4th-quarter rally against the Dolphins for a 28-17 win in the NFL home opener last Thursday night, they stink out the joint against the Jaguars in Jacksonville last night, losing 9-0 on just 167 yards total offense and two rally-killing interceptions in the 4th quarter. Backup quarterback Charlie Batch must've been peeing his pants in frustration after engineering the victory in Week 1, only to see Ben Roethlisberger return from emergency appendectomy surgery with barely two weeks of recovery time to play like he was still on local anesthesia. Two games after winning Super Bowl XIV, the Steelers hardly resembled world champions, suffering their first shutout since 2003 and falling a game behind the Ravens and Bengals in what promises to be an AFC North dogfight. The Jaguars, meanwhile, send a message to the AFC that they are a force to be reckoned with, perhaps enough so to give the favored Indianapolis Colts a run for their money for the AFC South division title.