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    Saturday
    Aug012009

    Tickets On Sale Now!!!

    Announcing the 2009 Miami Dolphins Halftime Extravaganza!

    Featuring the fabulous, singing and dancing Limited Partners:

     

    Gloria Estefan...

     

    J-Lo and Marc Anthony...

     

     

    Special Guests: Dancing with the Stars' Jason Taylor...

     

    ...and headlined by that lovable folk-singing booze-hound,

    Jimmy Buffett

    performing live in Land Shark Stadium!

     

    Singing his new song, DanMarinoville:

    Wasting away again in DanMarinoville

    Wishing we could end our Super Bowl drought

    Some people claim that Tommy Brady's to blame

    But I know, it's our own damn fault.

     

    Die-Hard Dolphins fans, see Bill Parcells weep out loud on the JumboTron! Follow the 3-D aerial cam of Wayne Huzienga laughing all the way to the bank! And...for the first time ever...witness exclusive footage on the FOX Digger-Cam of Joe Robbie rolling over in his grave! (Just be thankful that new owner Stephen Ross didn't sell part of the franchise to ZZ Top, or your venue might've been renamed "Tube Snake Stadium". )

    Tickets are just $99.99 each. And with every purchase you receive--free of charge--admission to one Miami Dolphins NFL game! That's right, they play football there, too! Don't wait--order today!

    Friday
    Jul032009

    Obama Sells Alaska

    In a surprise move, President Barack Obama announced today the sale of the Great State of Alaska to Russia for a record $1.5 trillion, eclipsing the Louisiana Purchase as America's biggest real estate transaction by $1,499,988,500,000. Not coincidentally, the transaction price equals the cost of the U.S. 2009 deficit combined with the projected cost of Obama's health care plan, returning America to the ranks of the economically viable nations of the world. "Sure, they have a lot of oil up there," Obama told reporters, "but my Curds and Whey Energy plan will make petroleum fuel obsolete by 2012. So what do we need with a giant ice cube like Alaska anyway? To use a basketball analogy, sometimes you just gotta know when to dish off, and I just dished off Alaska in a big way!" When asked if the sale of Alaska was politcally motivated, Obama replied, "You betcha!" A grim Alaskan ex-Governor-to-be Sarah Palin commented on the sale by saying, "I guess our neighbors from British Columbia will be able to see Russian from their porches now."After being told that the sale immediately annexed Alaska into the rebuilding Soviet Union, Palin said, "At least they don't have dirty old men like David Letterman in Moscow." The shocking transaction comes justdays after the nucular obliteration of Hawaii by North Korean wingnut Kim Jong-Il, the crater from which backfilled with water faster than Steve McGarrett could say, "Book em, Dano." In related news, sales of 48-star American flags on E-bay have jumped tenfold in the past three hours....

    Sunday
    Jun212009

    Vegas, Baby!!!

    Well, we did it! Our pool team finally made it through the CT state championships and qualified for the national 9 ball APA tournament in August. Woo-hoo! We actually had a chance to qualify for both 8-Ball and 9-Ball national tournaments, but we lost in the 8-Ball state finals, just one step away. For a while it looked like we were going to come up empty in 9-Ball, too, as I got our team off on the wrong foot in the semi-finals and we had to overcome a pretty big hole to advance to the finals. But we did, and then we rolled through the finals (without my help) to qualify for the first time in like 7 or 8 years. So we are stoked! Our team is called Rack 'n Roll, and you can follow our exploits through the APA website, the CT APA website, or maybe even the Las Vegas Police Dept. website. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, especially if you get convicted...

     

    Monday
    May252009

    SpongeBob Sounds Off

    A few days back, Yahoo! Sports asked Jimmie Johnson about the notion of Indy Racing League driver Danica Patrick coming to the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series.

    "If she's serious about doing it, she needs to spend a year or two, while racing IRL, running ARCA, running trucks, running Nationwide and really understanding the difference in the vehicles," Johnson answered. "Otherwise, she's going to be put in a tough situation. ... You can't just show up in the Cup Series and go."

    Hello??? McFly???

    Isn't that what you did, Jimmie? Just show up in the Cup Series and go? Completely bypassing the Busch series (now Nationwide) after Boss Man Hendricks handed you a ride on a silver platter? One minute you were a Late Model driver at some hokey track and next thing you know you're Jeff Gordon's teammate. Seemed to work okay for you! It doesn't matter to you that she's already won on the IRL circuit and other Indy drivers like Tony Stewart, Juan Pablo Montoya, and even Sam Hornish, Jr. (just to name a few) have made the switch with varying degrees of success. (Stewart is a two-time champion, mind you.) And the fact that an old washed up geezer like Mark Martin can suddenly go to Hendricks Motorsports and post twice as many wins as you this year just bolsters the argument that in the Sprint Cup series it's more about the equipment and less about the driver. So what is it, Jimmie? Is it because she's a girl? Does she threaten your manhood? What's good for SpongeBob isn't good for SpongeJill?

     

    C'mon, Jimmie, don't be scared of her...she won't bite!

     

     

    Saturday
    May232009

    The Dusty Rose

    So I've been thinking, "that Dustin Pedroia. Where have I seen him before?" Oh sure, he's the starting shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, and he won Rookie-of-the-Year and MVP last season and all, but every time I look at him I can't help but think, "no, it's something else." It's the kind of thing that keeps you awake at night, like the name of that kid who still owes you $20 from the Junior Prom twenty years ago. Then one day I'm watching a re-run of Jumanji and suddenly there he is! It's Peter Shepard, a.k.a. Dustin Pedroia at age 10! Pedroia was born in '83 and the film was released in '95 so the timing is right. Doesn't look like his beard has grown much in 14 years but it's got to be him.

    Of course we know from the movie that the scruff on his face only grows after he tries to cheat, so you have to wonder what the Dusty Rose has been up to lately. Some Marty Barrett-style hidden-baseball tricks? Maybe a little hank-panky with Erin Esurance? Or perhaps a little nip of some Manny Man Juice from time to time? Hmmm. I'm not one to speculate.  At least I can finally get to sleep, finally knowing the answer I've been seeking. That is, as long as a herd of crazed elephants don't stampede through my bedroom tonight...

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